At about 8 AM on Saturday, September 9 2010, I was rolling through the doors of an operating room at Presbyterian Hospital in Albuquerque, NM. I had read about Urostomies and I had chosen the ‘ileal conduit’ --- and the time had come.
I was told the operation took about 6 hours and had gone well. For about 48 hours after the surgery, I remember little --- everything seemed ok. Then came two very unpleasant realities --- “C. diff” and “Hospital Psychosis ” the first being bad infection and second, an emotional/mental hell.
I have relayed briefly that in my younger years I had two bouts with mental/emotional illness, so for me ‘hospital psychosis’ was re-visiting a personal hell that was without any doubt the most frightening and painful place in my human existence. I will not relay the terror I felt for even relaying would arouse hurt and fear.
I had to go back into the local hospital after two days at home: Presbyterian - Lincoln County Medical Center to get a real handle on the “C. diff” which was accomplished by my Primary Care Physician, Dr. Chris Robinson, who also happens to be my loving brother in law. But as of today Tuesday, October 5, 2010 both “C. diff” and “hospital psychosis” are almost things of the past. Today is also the first time since surgery that I was able to sleep at night, another one of those little things that happens to some after major surgery.
I openly admit to the world that I was very, very frightened during this time of my life, shaken to the very core of who I am --- not frightened of death --- there were a couple of times, I would have reached out to death as a friend rather than endure another frightening moment. Yet, there were also times in the midst of my inner terrifying world that I repeated and I am not sure if it was aloud or in my head ---- ‘Jesus is Lord, Jesus is Lord, Jesus is Lord’ trying to hang on to something beyond my fear. No long complicated prayers for this retired priest, just a child-like mantra.
I have no idea why God has blessed me with more days than so many others, who have lost battles with cancer, like my Dad and my brother and others in my family who have lost loved ones. But I will look, search, listen and continue to continue and try to share my life, my love to those who cross my path.
I also owe my life to my loving wife Kelly who has always been the one who pushed, shoved, browbeat me to go to the doctor, when I, like way too many men, would prefer to ignore or deny illness. I AM A VERY LUCKY MAN INDEED. I also appreciate two special family who helped my wife help me --- so Jake and Derrick thanks for being there --- no words will ever express what it meant to me that Kelly had such support and love.
To all my family and friends, know that I most certainly felt your energy; your prayers, your thoughts for I would not have been able to return from Hell on my own.
Day by day I fight the little battles to get stronger and well. I sincerely appreciate life even if I understand so little --- I can declare, for me, Jesus is Lord and has blessed me beyond anything I deserve,
