From Hell and Back

9/11/10 came: I was in my gown being roled down the hallway at early a.m. hour. I was frightened but after 3 resections and BCG's and Chemo I knew I had to get to the next step. One of my favorite doctors, the square shooting oncologist, Dr. Barbara McAneney said she had used her best magic bullets and they had failed to touch the cancer.

I drifted away into the unknown for 6 hours, came back wondering when they were going to get going until the clock on wall came into focus said 2 p.m.

I remember through the fuzz eventually seeing my wife Kelly, my son Jake, and my friend Dr. Derrick Lee. Nurses, aides technicians were a blur I saw, and I spoke, the speaking? I don't remember any context!

Somewhere after 48 hours a great fear gripped my soul --- reality as blurry as it was to me began to slip --- I was frightened, I felt alone, I heard others speak but I did not understand, I hear my voice!

Anxiety Grows

I have read a lot about the surgery that will remove my bladder and prostate. The surgery hopefully will rid me of a very pesky cancer that has been with me for two years. I am 71 years old and have never had major surgery and I am thankful however, not having the experience, I think heightens my butterflies that are getting to be as big as a B51 bombers.

So I am using my blog to simply put in writing what I feel, for writing in has always helped me cope with difficult situations. All of my writings to help handle life situations ends up in the trash can but this is the modern age, so I do not have to waste paper, I just type it on my computer and sit ends up on this secret, hardly ever read blog.

All my sons and their families will be here this weekend so I am hopeful the visit (a mini reunion) will calm my spirits for I am very proud of my sons and their families. I have great grandkids two granddaughters and two grandsons with another grandson on his way, as well as another granddaughter. Wow, there are some powerful vibes that just passed through my being. These several paragraphs were helpful me, so until next time take care.

A Day At The Hospitals & Doctor's

Well, I was at the doctor's office yesterday but guess what, my doctor was at the hospital ---- but he was not in the operating room ---- he was in a patient's bed having some problems with a kidney stone. Now for a urologist, there is a refresher course he could have done without!

I did my pre-op stuff for my urostomy including a class at Wound Center where nurse helped me become familiar with the new way I will be urinating starting on September 11th. I think I will get the 'hang of it' quickly.

I want to just say, everything I have had to go through at Presbyterian Hospital in Albuquerque, New Mexico has been aided by a great staff who have been professional caring and friendly. My doctor is a quiet, reserved, gentlemen that I have sincere confidence in.

I also have had many well wishers and a bunch of people who are and will be praying for me. I am very blessed man with such great family and friends. These are my simple thoughts for this day. I am continuing to continue.

Back Again - Two Days In A Row - Cancer Consumes My Thoughts

My fight with Cancer continues: after 6 BCG and 6 Chemo Treatments and 3 resections in attempts to get rid of the pesky little cells, the time has come to lose the bladder , hoping the cancer goes with it. As September 11th comes close I am sure my apprehension with grow and the anxiety level will rise. However, I will acknowledge that the most difficult time is the awareness that my wife Kelly has it much harder than I do and for that I am truly sorry.

If you read my profile you are aware that way back when like 40 years ago and even further back than that, I was a mental patient. I am one of the very lucky people who recovered from mental illness and always try to be a witness to this recovery so that others who are suffering know that it is an illness from which you can recover. I want to thank and encourage those who work in the Mental Health Field to keep up the battles for tools to help and to heal. Your efforts helped heal me.

I mention my mental illness because that illness has made facing cancer much more tolerable: mental illness was more painful, more frightening than anything I have experienced in my 71 years. With Cancer I know what I am fighting against, I have seen the cancer that is in me --- when I was a mental patient I had nothing see -- all I had were overwhelming terrible feelings: fears and pain that no one could see and few understood.
So fighting this cancer, I know I could lose the battle, but I am still me, myself and I and that makes my present battles understandable and endurable.

Well enough ramblings about physical illness and mental health. I am alive, you are alive and our greatest need is to understand one another, love one another and try to bring peace and love to all. We really need to stop killing one another in this world for it has never solved any issues.

Wow Forgot I Had Created This Space

Well it is now August 25, 2010. The most noteworthy aspect my life has been I have been fightening bladder cancer for 2 years. I had 6 BCG and 6 Chemo 3 resections ---- oh to add to the fun I had 30 radiation treatments for carcinoma on my ear --- but it is time to say bye bye to the bladder and maybe a few other minors parts with surgury on September 11 (yes, I will remember 911 before going under).
I do consider myself a miracle because my Dad died at 57 from cancer followed by my brother who died when he was 55 also to cancer. I guesss I could use this space to share my thoughts about life in general and also life specific. Not sure anyone reads my words but writing has always been kind of a therapy for me. Well until I once again remember My Corner of The World.